Apr

Let’s meet our judges. Judge 1 is Jay”RandyJackson”na, level 60 Human Rogue. Jayna is kind and patient and usually has something positive to say. His criticism is constructive and helpful. His dawg pack barks frequently in the audience. He loves the martinis, and the ladies love the Jayna.

Judge 2 is Ana”PaulaAbdul”lla, level 60 Night Elf Priestess. Analla is sweet and nurturing, always looking to help people improve. If you do something wrong, she’ll let you know and probably give you a hug afterwards. All the boys and men have crushes on the Analla.

Judge 3 is Khar”SimonCowelltheGrumpLeaveMetheHeckAlone”mander, level 60 Gnome Mage. The words “resident grump” capture him quite well. When he doesn’t like something, he’ll let you know. If you make his hate list (not so hard to do), watch your back.

Bring on the final four dragons left in the competition and their acts. Let the talent show begin!

Contestant #1: Emeriss
Act: “moo goo gai pan anyone?”

Cooking demonstration using organic ingredients. Prepared dish with free-range chicken and wild mushrooms. Some random shouting of “destruction, death, earth” or something while stir-frying. Also, some sort of powerful poison breath and spreading sleeping green gas. (Turns out some talents are commonplace.)
Jayna: “Good act, dAwG. You are definitely talented. Might want to tone down the shouting while you were cooking though. 7/10.”
Analla: “Standing ovation. I really like that you took care in choosing quality organic ingredients. The chicken was succulent, and the mushrooms were so fresh you could taste the dirt. . .in a good way. 7/10.”
Kharmander: “Let me start off by saying wtf?! You totally sucked. You dunno how to chop ingredients or stir-fry correctly. Buy a freaking wok! And the dish you prepared — I could only manage half a bite before spitting it out. Why would we get some mascot whose talent is cooking dishes that only rival takeout food from the Imperial Garden?! 0/10.”

Contestant #2: Taerar
Act: “got tanks?”

Magic act involving hypnosis and inducing sleep. Conjures mini versions of himself while disappearing without warning. Also, some sort of powerful poison breath and spreading sleeping green gas. (See a pattern yet?)
Jayna: “That was tight, dAWg. Your whole routine is polished and you certainly were born to perform. Best act in the competition so far. 8/10.”
Analla: “That was wonderful. Can you please tell me how you did the tricks? Come and whisper the secrets in my ear! I loved it. Jayna’s right; definitely the one to beat. 9/10.”
Kharmander: “Let me start off by saying wtf?! You totally sucked. Your volunteers that you put to sleep are obviously stagehands working for you. The best part of your act? When you disappeared. Try doing it next time without the mini versions of yourself to remind us that you were ever here. 0/10.”

Contestant #3: Lethon
Act: “you put your left foot in, you take your right foot out.”

Dance routine with various storms of shadowbolts. Stunned the judges a few times with shadow puppets. Also, some sort of powerful poison breath and spreading sleeping green gas. (Come on you gotta see the pattern by now.)
Jayna: “Check it out kk daWG. That was just okay for me. The shadow puppets were cool, but your dancing was just a little out of rhythm with the music. Started off shaky but you definitely were starting to rock toward the end. Keep practicing and we’ll see you back here next year. Good effort. 6/10. Hmm I think I know what Kharmander is gonna say.”
Analla: “What? You thought that was out of rhythm? I thought it was great, although the music selection might have been off for you. Try more love ballads next time, cuz you definitely have the looks of a heartthrob. You were what we had in mind when we started this Renaissance Idol competition. 8/10. Aww is Kharmander feeling grumpy?”
Kharmander: “Let me start off by saying wtf?! You totally sucked. Fred Astaire is turning over in his grave in total agony. My 3-year old niece does shadow puppets better than you. You definitely have a future in dancing though — if you call jumping and hopping around and turning from left to right and totally sucking and being boring and non entertaining dancing. Yeah, then you definitely have a future in dancing. -1/10. That’s one out of ten MINUS!”

Contestant #4: Ysondre
Ysondre had a family emergency and couldn’t make it ontime. We are working with her on a makeup date to review her talents. Kharmander: “Ysondre will probably totally suck and be a waste of time.” Ysondre has now done her makeup performance.
Act: “who the heck knows”

Walked around a bit and just fell over. Brought own group of cheering supporter druids. Also, some sort of powerful poison breath and spreading sleeping green gas. (Nothing original.)
Jayna: “Sorry, Miss Ysondre, but that wasn’t that good. Just keep working at it. I really like the enthusiasm that your groupies brought to the performance though. 4/10. Uh oh. Kharmander is loading up his gun.”
Analla: “The performance wasn’t out of this world, but I love the smile you maintained throughtout. Great composure. Work some more on your act. 6/10.”
Kharmander: “Let me start off by saying wtf?! You totally sucked. Why do you have to bring your own group of supporters? Easy — cuz you totally suck. I bet you have to pay them a lot. What a sign of tremendously patheticly low self-esteem. What? Growing up, did your parents tell you that you were a moronic, up to no good, and won’t ever amount to anything person? Boohoo. Well, your parents were right. negative infinity/100.”

Winner of Renaissance Idol:
MURKY!!!

All future Renaissance Idol competitions are now postponed indefinitely until further notice due to lack of deserving contestants.